One of my Mother's favorite things to say to me is “Stacy, you sure like doing things the hard way.” She's been saying this to me for as long as I can recall. A younger version of myself resented her pointing this out to me. I created a life so filled with hardships and difficulty that I found myself completely cornered by my own shitty choices. There was no one to blame and no where to look, except in the mirror.
A second common theme I have heard from just about anyone who's ever had any type of relationship with me is that I am stubborn. I've never denied this. I have always been aware of that about myself.
At the lowest point in my adult life, I was completely bottomed out and broken. I was 35 years old, three children, no job skills and in my second abusive relationship. I recall sobbing double pumped cries “Why was I so difficult to love? Why did I create such difficulties for myself? And, WHY was I so Goddamn stubborn?” I felt despite my greatest efforts, I was banging my head on the same wall over and over again. I attracted the kinds of people that were unhealthy for me. I created situations that were toxic.
I understood within this that I need to learn new ways to move through my world and to become healthy. I was going need to dig into the core root of my internal dialogues to make changes. Scary shit, right? Why do I do these things? Why do I feel stuck in this behavioral loop? I was exhausted and I needed answers.
I began this journey by what seems like a simple task. I began with listening to my internal dialogues more closely. I wish I could tell you I began by burning sage and daily meditations that lead me to meeting the Buddha. I tried that, too. It actually wasn't an ultra spiritual process at all. What I found was my attention span was far short and I would end up feeling more frustrated and disappointed with myself, than enlightened. I just began to observe myself more closely. What I heard in my head sounded like a bully! Most of my self talk, if I had heard a friend speak to themselves the same way, I would have checked them with a quickness. I was so harsh, mean and self-critical. That was a big shift towards learning to let go of these egotistical constructs. They manifested by my psyche born to protect myself and survive my early formative years. I was safe in this trance, and confines of what was comfortable to me.
No wonder I was creating chaos. No wonder I was manifesting hardships and negative outcomes. I was oozing shame and unworthiness with every cell of my being. Nearly all my thoughts all day long, this was at the source. Greeting these thoughts with compassion and learning to become patient and not judge myself. Not denying them, but rather moving through them. Stuffing our negative thoughts down only allows them a longer shelf life to recycle themselves.
Embrace these thoughts and be thankful for them. Until now they have carried you and served you well, when you needed them. Not allowing ourselves to become consumed by them is easier said than done. This walk has not been an easy one. I've accepted it will be a lifelong process.
Sometimes I drift away and find myself at war within once again. I have been developing strategies over time to support my own healing. I do use oils, sprays and candles to inspire a holistic space for myself. When I'm stuck in a funk, generally, that's my first tool I pull from the bag o'tricks. I put in earbuds before sleeping, driving in the car, or doing chores and play motivation videos or music. Sometimes on repeat. I flood my consciousness at every opportunity. If I'm not vigilant, I will slip into the murky depths of dysfunction. I'm just not about that life any longer.
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